Why I feel old suddenly

My mother said that she was really depressed for months about turning forty. Until her birthday came and everything was just the same and she felt fine after that.

I was looking forward to the date, and now I'm feeling hung over from it. I'm feeling old. I'm doing all this grown-up stuff. No crises, it’s not, "Drop everything and focus on this!" work. It’s just business. Legal. Medical. Financial. Logistical.

Like, my thirty-year-old fillings all have to be replaced. Six teeth, three new fillings and three complete crowns. Thousands of dollars. Thank goodness we have insurance. But shouldn't my mom be here talking to the financial manager in the dentist's office?

Anj's youngest son is fielding questions about her health on her blog. My babies aren't going to get that big, are they?

I've just become the official administrator of my grandmother's estate. Which sounds grander than the reality. But when the real estate agent introduced the "owner" to the new neighbors, I realized he was talking about me. Me, standing there, shaking hands, making deals. Isn't that my dad's job?

Actually, one of the good things of this whole process is finding out that my father respects my decisions, even when I don't do it his way. At least sometimes.

There's a new Young Adult Friends group at my meeting, and I'm too old to join.

My slang is woefully out of date.

I'm the costume mistress for my son's fourth grade class play. I said today, "this is the fun part of being an elementary school parent." I am the mother of elementary school aged boys.

I was watching a mom with two little ones at the grocery store yesterday, and I realized that she was both at least ten years younger than me and a very competent mother. I wanted to tell her she was doing a great job. I felt more kinship with the 70 year old women who were comparing the baby with their grandchildren.

But the worst was last week when I was listening to a song on the radio about a girl whose parents don't approve of her boyfriend and I realized that I was identifying with the mom in the story.

So much attention to details. This month is all about finding and holding the presence of God in the details.

And about not worrying about the outcomes – I am not in charge of what my cousins or the nominating committee decide. God is not in charge of what they do. Each of us is in charge of our own decisions. But God can help me to learn the lessons in the mundane and practical and important.

The story in my horoscope this week says, "It will give you the proper perspective as you, too, go about the work of doing the best you can at a task that is virtually impossible to perfect."

Sounds like my whole life right now.